Sales Pitch
by Gary Merchant
Summary: The Ninth Doctor gets an unexpected telephone call.


SALES PITCH

The Doctor was alone in his TARDIS, checking various circuits and readouts. Having arrived back on present day Earth, Rose had gone off to see her Mum, while the Doctor had elected to stay behind. It wasn't that he didn't like Jackie, but after the smack she'd given him when he'd first returned Rose to her own time, and the fallout from that, he'd decided he was better off inside the TARDIS.

The thing was, he'd got so used to having Rose around that he now hated being alone. It had been a matter of course after the Time War – he'd become almost a recluse, unwilling to take on another companion, but Rose had turned his life around. She made him feel better about himself, and any absence on her part brought back that hollow feeling of emptiness.

He was brought out his reverie by the ringing of the trim phone. He grinned. "What's she forgotten now?" he wondered, picking up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Is that the Doctor?" asked an unfamiliar, but pleasant sounding voice.

"Yes."

"Hello," she said. "My name's Treena, and I'm from Galactic Telesales. I would like to make you aware of a truly amazing offer."

The Doctor started. "Sorry?"

"I understand how busy you must be," she continued, "but this is a once in a lifetime bargain. For this week only, we're offering discounts on double-glazing, cheaper electricity, timeshare apartments and the promise of a six-month guarantee on all of our products."

"S'cuse me," the Doctor interrupted, "but how did you get hold of this phone line? This is an ex-directory number, available to only a select few."

But Treena was not to be put off. "Well, it's lucky for you that I caught you when I did. Otherwise you would have missed out on this exclusive promotion. Now, if I can just take down your details…"

"I don't think so," said the Doctor. "I'm not interested." He tried to put the phone down, but Treena's persuasive voice somehow prevented him. That was the thing about Telesales people – they knew just how to keep you hooked. He tried again. "Look, I don't need double-glazing, my TARDIS generates all the electricity I need, and as for timeshares, well…"

"Then how about a free guarantee on all parts and labour for your TARDIS?" Treena suggested sweetly. "All repairs carried out in the safety of your own time ship. All I need are your credit card details, and we can set things rolling."

The Doctor sank down on a chair, nonplussed. Slitheen, Autons and Gelth he could deal with, but this was too much. Unless… "These repairs – does your guarantee cover oil spills. I mean, could you clean those up?"

"Oh, yes," Treena said brightly. "Our team of cleanliness operatives can remove any unsightly stains."

"Well, that's good to know," the Doctor noted. "Does that include blood?"

There was the slightest hesitation. "Erm…"

"You know the sort of thing," he went on. "Human blood, goat's blood. Maybe even chicken blood."

He could hear the tremor in her voice. "Well, ah… I'm sure we could, um… accommodate your needs," she stammered.

"Oh good," he said. "Now, you said something about credit card details?"

"Y-yes," Treena replied, now on safer ground. "Just a formality, to ensure prompt payment."

"I understand," the Doctor nodded. "The thing is, before I do that, you'll have to marry me first."

There was a long pause at the other end of the telephone. "Sorry, but did you say…?"

"Well, you wouldn't expect me to give out my details to a complete stranger, now would you? And I'm sure you're lovely girl – sweet and innocent, just the way I like 'em."

"I… I'm afraid that wouldn't be possible," Treena gasped. "A-as you say, we hardly know each other."

"No problem," the Doctor offered. "I can programme the TARDIS to link onto your telephone signal, and be with you in minutes. Then we can really get to know each other – properly." He paused for a moment before his next question. "I take it you are a virgin, Treena? Only I don't want to prepare the sacrificial altar, to find that…"

A terrified scream pierced through the receiver, before the connection was abruptly terminated. Grinning, the Doctor quietly replaced the receiver on its cradle, just as Rose entered the TARDIS. "Everything all right?" she asked. "Thought I heard someone screaming."

"Nah," he replied. "Just a wrong number."


End file.
